#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
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Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.