Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

oh shit

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

Feels like there should be a middle ground

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

ACED my prostate exam!

When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.