50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
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Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
There is no try. There is only give up.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
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The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
So, can we agree on 4 or
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kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
For cardio I live beyond my means.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.