50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
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moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
excuse me
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.