Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
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Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.