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I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
no refunds
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.