landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
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me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Breaking news:
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”