In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
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People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.