Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
You Might Also Like
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is