Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
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Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
why no one uses midhusbands
listen closely
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
There’s always that one guy
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one