DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
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When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.