I think this should do it.
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Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.