15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
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I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed