Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
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Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.