Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
You Might Also Like
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother