Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*![]()
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I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I love the look on people’s faces as they stand freezing at the bus stop while I drive past them.
It’s partly why I became a bus driver.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
instagram is literally just screenshots of twitter
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people