Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

look at me when i’m typing to you