I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
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Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
the saddest jazz hands ever
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
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A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
“Why you watching this shit?”
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.