Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
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What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
🤭😂
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*