First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
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I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
3% human
97% stress
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*