Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
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HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Choose your fighter
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.