Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
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Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
You sure about that?
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.