13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
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FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
This is enough internet for the day.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.