*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
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I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
why I oughta
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”