Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
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One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.