First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
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We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
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imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
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Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
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Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.