First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
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Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I occasionally drink every single night.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.