If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
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Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”