First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
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Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-
[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert