@moiragallaga

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

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@WilliamAder

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

@Shariv67

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

@Aspersioncast

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

@9to5Life

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

@AngieDavisHaha

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

@HaliPhacks

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

@NYC_Blonde

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

@TheCiscoKidder

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.