@moiragallaga

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

You Might Also Like

@TheAlexNevil

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

@Smooheed

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

@Parkerlawyer

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

@RYGdance

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

@StinkyGr33n

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

@simoncholland

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

@inconsequentia2

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

@TheTweetOfGod

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

@UncleDuke1969

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”