Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
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DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
From my Mom
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.