Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
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So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread