my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
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>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I’m putting together a team
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs