When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
You Might Also Like
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I think my mom just blocked me
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I was bored.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.