[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
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Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.