@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
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Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
‘I know a black person’
– White people
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?