My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
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someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials