Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
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I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one