I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
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[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah