I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
You Might Also Like
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*