chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
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I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
When you let grandma cat sit
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.