The French cow says MEUX…
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Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?