There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
You Might Also Like
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”