Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
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If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Straight people are cancelled
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230