[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
You Might Also Like
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
those birds must be on payroll
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I created you as mosquito food.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie