Straight people are cancelled
You Might Also Like
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.