I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
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a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.