You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
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Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me: