If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
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True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.