If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
You Might Also Like
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
BaD BoY!!
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor