If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
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[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.