[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
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i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.