they really do be looking like this
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Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?