God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
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Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Just me?
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.