Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
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ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet