I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
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Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early