Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
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COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
What?
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I think they could have phrased this better
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.