Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
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Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Rooting for the overdog
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.