If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
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Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!