Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
God has abandoned us.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.