Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
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The struggle is real.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Breaking news:
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
LOL!
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
*weighs self after shaving
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.